"Cut down on Mexican Food even though increasingly plentiful."
North American Trailer Park Cannibal |
"Stop making Ghetto Bitches immortal; will never hear the end of it."
Count Dracula, currently residing in Baltimore, MD |
"More joggers, less elderly."
Repeat Hit and Run Driver |
"Stop appearing on Dateline NBC. Renew subscription to Seventeen."
Child Predator |
"Buy American Flags in bulk. Petition Allah for 73 instead of 72 virgins--all mutes."
Islamofascist |
"Stop being so Ba-ah-h-h-d."
Goat Rapist |
"Wear spandex during full moon to avoid ripped clothes. Take myself for more walks. Do not save bones for later."
Common Werewolf |
"No more co-workers, people are getting suspicious. Trophies from victims must fit in refrigerator."
Serial Killer |
"Start daycare for crackwhores as tax write-off. Shoot rival gang member and his momma (so she don't embarrass everyone at the funeral). Use 'N' word less, except on Karaoke night."
Local Drug Dealer |
"Blame Jews for all Spam, including the kind you eat. Stop renting Gilbert Gottfried movies no matter how much they make me laugh."
Iranian President |
"Buy stepstool to smack tall bitches. Stop whoring Mom out on busy weekends. Wear more faux fur to be sensitive to animal lovers."
Street Pimp |
"Use clean burning fuel. Quit smoking while working. Stop using Donald Trump catchphrase, no longer amusing."
Arsonist |
"Transfer all VHS to DVD."
Voyeur |
