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BEST IRISH JOKES
Stereotypes exploited on Swensonfunnies
You can't do humor without stereotypes, I'm sorry. Humor isn't polite because being polite doesn't make people laugh. It seems every ethnic group has an anti-defamation group including the Irish. As if we think any less of Irish people after telling a joke about them--the drunk bastards.
Irish jokes are passed around in bars and on the net so I don't believe any one person has a claim on them, but if you see one below that is yours then let me know--you lying gobshite.
I don't know me name What's Irish and stays out all night?
"Paddy O' Furniture"
beer is my friend Why don't Irish women use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.
whatch lookin' at Did you hear about the Irish pilot who crashed his helicopter?
He got cold so he turned off the fan.
Aye, where's my gold?
where's my gold? A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of Guiness beer.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"
That t'aint funny
Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card, in case someone loses them.
We Irish ain't all drunks, some of us are crack addicts What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.
more beer Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"
I invested my gold in Yamana
    Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.

    "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

    "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

    "Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
To hell with the Scots Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.
Just before morning tea Pat yelled,"Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi--Damn! There goes another one!"

Me brother stars in some famous horror movies An Irishman went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample.

The Irishman asked, "What's a urine sample?"

The doctor replied, "Go piss in a bottle."

The Irishman retorted, "Go shit in yer hat"
And the fight was on.
mmm, microbrews O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell badly. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Smokin' ain't bad for ya, it's the Irish Women. They beat the shite out of ya. What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade.
I don't get it Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.
These jokes, they be insensitive What be black and blue and found floatin' in da Irish sea?
A gobshite who tells an Irish Joke.

I'll add more as I come across ones I like.
If you have a favorite one feel free to email me.

From Emailer Dan
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no. Fact is, he got out three times to take a pee.

From Emailer Glenn
How do two Irish men change a light bulb?
One holds the bulb and the other starts drinking until the room spins.

From Emailer
Three Irishmen are adrift at sea. They are terribly thirsty. Suddenly a mermaid comes up and says "Ill shall grant you one wish." Without thinking one of the Irishman says " I want you to turn the sea to Guiness." The mermaid said. "Let it be done" And so the sea was turned to Guiness. Then one of the other Irishman said "Fuck, where we gonna piss?"






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