TEN CHRISTMAS GIFTS GUYS WANT, BUT WOMEN WON'T BUY FOR THEM

The battle of the sexes is no more apparent then when it comes to gift giving. Guys want certain gifts and either women ignore their wishes or they believe they have superior gift ideas--usually in the form of dressing their guy up so he won't look like a slob. Here are ten gift ideas for guys that guys actually want. Women may not want to read this.

Gift Subscription to Maxim or Playboy
And those are the tame titles. Basically men want near naked or fully naked woman on glossy paper stock delivered to them on a monthly basis.
I believe some girlfriends will willingly give the gift of Playboy to their boyfriends when they are in the military and shipped off overseas--because they believe their guy could possibly be blown up and so why not let him have one little vice.
Or she believes it will keep him from visiting the local disease-ridden whorehouse.
If we were to be honest here, guys would really like publications with the name Larry Flynt attached to them where the spreads don't just refer to the magazine layout.

Monster Truck Rally Tickets
There's just something about a truck with oversized tires crushing a bunch of defenseless cars that brings a smile to a man's face. That and the fact that he's downing his 3rd beer.
NonRedneck women do not want to be dragged to these smoke-filled arena events--a fair trade for The Home and Garden Show the man was dragged to earlier in the month.
If she had her way she would grow forty feet tall and clean up all the "toys" in the arena event center and tell you to go home and mow the lawn if you wanted to see a motorized vehicle destroying something.

Superhero Action Figures
My first birthday spent with my future wife was an eye-opener. She knew I loved comicbooks and the toys that resulted but instead she chose to buy me clothes--pffft!
I can buy clothes anytime and I can find cheaper deals because I know I will destroy most of my clothes within two months through washing and drying and leaving them on the floor.
Action figures on the other hand, last a lifetime. And they grow in value which drives wives nuts. Why should anything so trivial as a plastic guy in a bat suit increase in value, as if it could compare to a bond or stock.

Whoopee Cushions and other Fart-Related Paraphernalia
These would make great stocking stuffers if women would just catch on to their importance.
Men need flatulence humor to laugh off the fact that they smell. After a bad Hungry Man TV dinner of barbecued something or another and one of those cheap chocolate Hostess knock-off pies that could survive a nuclear winter it's not all coming out smelling like roses.
Getting a man a gift that sounds or smells like a fart acknowledges that you love him no matter what he delivers in a slow moving cloud inside your beautiful home that Glade can't fend off.

Three Stooges Frameable Art
For placing in the living room! After all your home is owned equally by the both of you. Women will have their framed copy of a Renoir masterpiece and the man will have Moe delivering two fingers to the eyes of Curly--a masterpiece of slapstick, if you will.
If not a framed poster on the finest poster paper, then at least a special edition DVD of all of The Three Stooges film shorts plus a T-shirt to wear at Church functions.

That Ridiculously Expensive Lord of the Rings Sword
Of course he's not going to go out and lead an army against the forces of evil. But maybe he wants to feel like he could if peril suddenly came to the household door--an intruder, a politician, a persistent girl scout with cookies to sell; all will be slaughtered to protect his family.
Weapon replicas are great guy gifts. Men know that reality consists of keystrokes and verbal sparring about invoices and company rules; the days of duels and dragon killing are long gone. It's nice to dream about it though.

Cigars
And throw in The Nude Cigar Smoking DVD I just saw on Amazon. Don't know what it's about, but don't care when the title seems to say it all.
Cigars are smelly and admittedly bad for your health but an occasional puff on holidays or special moments in a man's life is a necessary vice.
Besides, he has to smoke it outside anyways so why not buy him a nice box of cigars and tell him he doesn't have to hide his own stash somewhere in the basement to light up when you're not looking.

Nude Aerobics DVD
The kind of DVD men always spot in the mature section of the DVD store but don't have the guts to check it out because their girlfriends or wives are perusing the real exercise DVDs in the aisle just off to the left.
There's nude everything from sports to cigar smoking (see above) but it all comes back to aerobics. The best time to watch a woman nude is when she is stretching, bending or doing the splits.

Death Metal Music
It's rare to find women who are truly into the hardcore thrash and death metal scene. I'm not sure they're the kind a man would marry or live with in a long term stable relationship.
Most likely bands like Hatebreed and Necro-Granny Love (I made that one up) are not very romantic or fulfill a female emotional need; for the guy it amounts to pumping adrenaline into his body while he's behind the wheel of the family SUV on his way to pick up his kids from daycare. Fellow parents and daycare workers will stare as he approaches and is shaking his head like he's eighteen and in a mosh pit.
Women are not going to want to encourage that kind of noise in their car or their house.

Punching Bag
Not that your man will use it to get in shape. He will go down to the basement to beat the shit out of it when you have a fight over the Pier One credit card bill for a replica of Moroccan Lamp from the 18th century.